How to build good relationships
This is a 2,500-year-old Confucian approach. It is rooted in understanding one's role and doing one's duty within the context of society. And it makes perfect sense even today. Especially today.
Looking back, I realised that there were many opportunities I have missed in building lifelong relationships. With family, friends, and even colleagues. As a young adult, I have to admit that on so many occasions, my ego and indifference got the better of me. And every so often, I have been, for want of a better word, an ass.
Now that I am older, I am often intrigued by how I might have done better. What is it about relationships that I can share that will be helpful for others who may be on the same journey?
Guanxi (关系) and the nature of relationship
I would like to use the Confucian model of an ideal society to share how he explained the nature of relationships.
In this model, the importance of each relationship radiates outwards from the centre. I am in the centre, and the people closest to me (my family) form the closest circle around me. Next are my relatives like uncles and aunties, nephews and nieces, cousins. Then my friends and neighbours, my colleagues and customers. Then my fellow Australians, and the global community at large.
To each person in my circle, I have a role to play. And with every role comes duties and responsibilities. My priority is to those closest to me, extending outwards to the edge of my circle.
This is something we are all familiar with. It is how we have always related to others. Those closest are more important than those further away. Not everyone is “equal”.
Confucius spoke of the relational nature of everyone, guanxi (关系), that we come into contact with. He did not regard everyone as equals (平等), since we are not, but as “corresponding” (对等) to the other.
That’s why when we wronged someone or make a mistake, we say “对不起” which means (sorry) but translated as “I fell short”. It is this “falling short of” that disrupts the balance in the relationship. And the response is usually “没关系” which means “It doesn’t matter,” or translated as “(we have) no relationship” and hence it doesn’t matter.
Know your role in a relationship
Confucius said:
君君臣臣，父父子子.
The emperor should be like an emperor, and the minister, like a minister.
The father should be like a father, and the son, like a son.
This makes perfect sense to me. I am a son to my parents. A husband to my wife. I am a father to my sons, a brother to my siblings. A friend to my friends. I am an employee to my boss, and a leader to my platoon, a partner to my customers.
Each comes with expectations and duties. Hence, I am a father because of my son. I am a son because of my parents. A husband because of my wife. Each corresponds with another, and I owe each a duty and responsibility to be what I am, do what I have to do, in each relationship. I am defined by my relationships.
Since every relationship is as unique as every person in that relationship, what then are some of the common components that will form the basis of good relationships?
What makes good relationships?
At the risk of oversimplifying, I think there are 3 components that are crucial to build good relationships. Trust, duty and care.
Trust. In the Confucian social structure, those nearest to us are easiest to trust, and get harder as it goes outwards. It is easier to trust family more than friends, friends more than colleagues, and so on.
This is because, in trusting, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This willingness to be vulnerable to the actions of another person is a choice, and the price we pay for being in a relationship. It means that we take risks and rely on those we trust to act with good intentions. It is essentially an act of faith.
When those in our circle of relationships live up to that trust by acting in accord with their role, it reinforces the relationship, and it becomes stronger. The same when we reciprocate to their trust by being trustworthy.
So trust is a social contract between two people. Trust works both ways and is the glue that binds the relationship. Trust is broken when one failed to act in the manner that is expected. A lie, a knife in the back, even a careless mistake can undo a lifetime of trust.
Instinctively, we want to trust. It is in our nature, and essential for the healthy functioning of a society. Without trust, relationships would be impossible. Hence, we strive to be trustworthy. We know we can trust only if we can be trusted. To do that, we have to know our roles and responsibilities in our relationships, and act accordingly.
Duty. This is an important component of good relationships. Since we have said that a relationship is a social contract, duty is the obligation to behave in a manner that is expected in the contract.
As a father and husband, it is my duty to provide. As a son, it is my duty to honour my parents. As a brother, a friend, a neighbour, a citizen. For each of these, there are expectations I will do my duty under my roles.
In Confucianism, duty or “li” (礼) is translated as “ritual” or “propriety”. It is an important aspect of social harmony and order. Duty is behaving in the right way and doing one’s duty within the family and society.
The superior man extensively studies and restrains himself with the rules of propriety. Thus, he is not likely to go astray. (Analects 6.25)
Care. I have included care as a component because I think this is an elusive element that builds great relationships. While duty covers my responsibilities in a relationship, care is where I go over and above.
It comes from a desire for that which is in the best interest of the other person. If I want to do good by those whom I relate to, I need to ask and listen to them. I need to get to know and attempt to see things from their perspective. I need to care.
Care for my children is more than just providing for them. I want them to be happy, to be successful, to be challenged and to even suffer hardship so that they can be stronger. Care infuses a relationship with soul and meaning.
So how do we build?
We have to understand our role in a relationship, and the responsibilities that come with it. At the very basic level, all relationships involve two persons, even if it is with a group. Since I have two sons, it is two unique relationships with two individuals. And I know what my responsibilities are to them as individuals and as part of my family.
We have to do our duties diligently and with care. With family, this is natural. They should have our priority and attention. But I also care about my relatives and friends. Those I work with, especially those who work for me. To each of these, I too will carry out my duties with care.
If we do the above well, then trust is established. Trust is the net result of one and two. Trust is a cycle that over time fosters greater trust. In every relationship, it is a glue that binds and strengthens. However, we should remember that trust is also fragile.
Relationship Matters
I wanted to share my take on building relationships because I feel that now, more than ever, we see fewer people relating to each other. With all the negativity and cynicism, we are creating a colder and more impersonal world.
Maybe that’s why mental health is such an issue these days. Families are getting smaller to keep up with higher standards of living. People become a chore and a hassle. Independence replaces interdependence.
People in our relationships, which make up the fabric of our societies, are replaced with “followers”. Thousands of followers on social media but no one to call upon. In many places, people live alone, and often die alone.
“To subdue one’s self and return to propriety is perfect virtue.
If a man can, for one day, subdue himself and return to propriety, all under heaven will ascribe perfect virtue to him.” (Analects 12.1)
Perhaps it is time to “return to propriety” and begin building meaningful relationships with those closest to us. After all, is there anything else in our lifetime that is more important than the relationships that we have built?
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