On turning 58

I am officially "over the hills"

Photo by Dmitry Mashkin on Unsplash

Recently I turned 58.

It started with a strange feeling, a feeling of having just crossed a psychological threshold. I thought turning 50 was it, but it took a while to catch up. I am officially “over the hills.”

I wanted to put all these feelings down, and to share them without reservations. I hope that one day, my sons will read them and maybe draw a few lessons from these ramblings.

On the Perception of Time: 

The problem is you think you have time.
— Buddha

One of the most significant changes that I am experiencing is my perception of time. 58 is a rather strange place to be; it feels like there’s still quite a bit left in the jar, but at the same time, you know the jar is leaking…

“The average life expectancy for Chinese males specifically is reported to be slightly lower than the general Australian male population, at around 79.3 years. This reflects a higher overall mortality rate for China-born males compared to their Australian-born counterparts.” This is based on a study by Queensland Health Multicultural Services. Here’s the report if you are interested.

Statistically, that’s a little over 20 years. But knowing that I have some “hereditary issues”, I might have to discount that number. 20 years isn’t much. 

We migrated to Australia just over 15 years ago when our two boys were just little. Yesterday, the younger one completed his Year 12. Where did the time go? 

I will have to focus now on the little left in the jar to make the best of it. 

On Change: 

One turns back and submits to fate, changes one’s attitude,
and finds peace in perseverance
— I Ching

Of course, physically, I have changed. Old photos and my waistline are proof of that. But I also think that other things have changed too. I might even say that looking back, I hardly recognise myself.

Over the years, I have become less religious and, possibly, more spiritual. Less clever and hopefully wiser. I take nothing or anyone too seriously, especially myself. I am less disappointed when people disappoint me.  

That is the one thing that really intrigues me. I am aware of the continuity over the decades, the change in values, priorities and perspectives. But now, I have a very much diminished sense of self. I think that is a good thing, since I have always maintained that the self is an illusion, and passes when the jar is completely empty. I also get the sense of this change, this sense of fading as I look forward. It is actually quite beautiful…like a sunset.

On Making the Best of my Life

Decades ago, when I was a young Jesuit novice, I came across this lovely sonnet by John Milton. It was read to me by a friend who was then searching for the answers to her purpose in life. It moved me, and has stayed with me all these years. 

On His Blindness

When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest He returning chide;
“Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?”
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies: “God doth not need
Either man’s work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best.
His state Is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed

And post o’er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait.”

They also serve who only stand and wait.

Although I am no longer a religious person, I can feel, now more than ever before, the impending arrival of my Maker. And an overwhelming need to render my account for the single talent entrusted to me. I didn’t bury it; I hope that I have served well within my capacity.

On the Legacy I leave behind: 

Children are the legacy we leave behind
for the age we will not live to see.
— Aristotle

I think it is natural for everyone to think about the legacy that they will leave behind as they approach the sunset years. That might have been the subconscious motivation for my writing this blog. A kind of taking into account before the Master returns. I hope, above everything else, that my two boys will read my writings and maybe avoid some mistakes I made previously, lessons I hope to pass on to them, and maybe, if I am fortunate enough, their children.

My hopes for them is that they do not have it too easy. Like my parents who struggled, my wife and I lived through some challenging times. It has strengthened us and brought us closer. As parents, we want them to have a good life, but we know that a good life is never an easy life. 

I recall when both boys signed up for Scouts Jamboree when they were just little at Tailem’s Bend. It was such a horrible camping site with so many people. It was in summer and there were hundreds of tents on a dry and dusty site. The toilets were horrible, as you could imagine. The food was hardly edible, and water trucks had to wet the paths to reduce the dust. It looked very much like a refugee site in the desert. 

When we visited, my 10-year-old son cried and asked to come home with us. 

I said, “If you really want to, we’ll bring you home. But you have gone through most of it, and it is just a few more days. Are you sure?”

He thought about it long and hard…

“You will have bragging rights if you finish it.”

He continued. As we reluctantly left, I was so proud of him. It was the first time he had suffered real hardship.

I was also proud of my elder son who just enjoyed the whole shitty experience! 

I have little in terms of material legacy to leave behind except for the memories that we have built together.

On the Meaning of Success: 

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes
to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
— Bob Dylan

It used to be that success meant wealth. That’s the Singapore benchmark, anyway. We called it the 5Cs. Cash, Credit card, Car, Condominium, and Country Club Membership. In the past, maybe even Concubine. Success means “having”, and growing up in an Asian society, this is deeply etched into our psyche.

I have to admit that having migrated to Australia; it changed my idea of the meaning of success. Australia, for all of its limitations, is a wonderful place to live and bring up children. My feeling is that success here is simpler: 

Give me a home among the gumtrees
With lots of plum trees
A sheep or two, a k-kangaroo
A clothesline out the back
Verandah out the front
And an old rocking chair

Taken from this iconic song (Among the Gum Trees) by John Williamson, the song paints a beautiful picture of contentment. Of taking it easy and just living life. I think that is the mark of success. A life of fulfilment and simple joys.

Although I strive to become financially independent eventually, I am now more aware of the need for a simple life as a sign of success. Less having, more being. Wealth in knowledge, relationships and happiness weighs more than all the material baggage that we often mistaken for a successful life. 

On Death and Mortality: 

What do we say to the Lord of Death? ‘Not today.’
— George R.R. Martin

Recently, I have been having some dark thoughts about death. 

Both my parents have passed on. All but one of my uncles and aunts has passed on. A few of my cousins have passed on. There are fewer funerals ahead. It feels like after queuing for so long; I am finally near the front of the line.

Damn. 

I am also less afraid; I think. When I was younger, I thought little about it. But now that I am 58, the inevitability of meeting the Grim Reaper has become more apparent. On the one hand, I accept it will happen whether I think about it. On the other hand, I want to defy it. I want to “rage, rage against the dying of the light”. The vision of Jack Sparrow charging into the jaws of the Kraken…that’s a good death.

At this stage of my life, I am mostly at peace. I have had my affairs sorted out this year and so have no “unfinished” business, as they say. I wonder what kind of death I will get when the time comes, and if it will be a good one. 

On Wisdom: 

Be wise like serpents and innocent like doves.
— Matthew 10:16

I am now less inclined to go with the philosophical “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing”. For me, while it is essentially true, it doesn’t say much. I know I don’t know, but so what? How can I use what I know?

This quote from Matthew 10:16 is strangely appealing to me. At 58, my claim of wisdom is that I am not as naïve as I was. In this quote, Jesus advises his disciples, as they go forth to spread the gospel, to be cunning and shrewd. To know the nature of the world that they move in, and be pragmatic so that they are not easily deceived. Practical, worldly wisdom. 

At the same time, do no harm. Don’t use the cunning of the serpent to deceive and hurt others. Be blameless and serve.

This combination, for me, is what wisdom should be about. I have been cheated and betrayed by friends and strangers alike in the past. I hope to keep some lessons I have learned, and pass them along to others.  

On Freedom from Expectations: 

I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine. — Bruce Lee

Strangely, the perk of being 58 is a new sense of freedom. Especially freedom from social expectations. This is especially important to me, since I grow up being told “You shouldn’t do that. What will others think?” Now I don’t mostly give a fuck about what other people think. 

As a result, I care little about how I dress. And I often speak as I please, or do what I want. Without being abrasive or rude, I enjoy just being able to be without pretensions or concerns. It is really quite refreshing.

Of course, I am still deeply aware of my duties as a father and husband. As a citizen and friend. But these are not kept out of expectations, but a sense of duty to my fellow men.

On the younger generation: 

The best way to predict your future is to create it. — Peter Drucker

As I grow older, I look upon the younger generations with admiration and envy. You have so much ahead of you! So much potential! If only you knew what older folks like us know.

If you truly grasped how valuable your time is, you wouldn’t waste a single moment of it. If you realised how even the smallest actions today shape your future, you would carefully cherish each one, guiding you toward the life you envision. If you understood the importance of having a goal and how vital it is to apply yourself, you wouldn’t waste time lamenting what you lack, but focus on building the future you desire.

You CAN have whatever future you want. If only you knew it.

I know that most of the things I tell my two teenage boys will fall on deaf ears. I suspect some may filter through. Well, I hope so. 

But I guess that may be the whole point of life. Make the same mistakes over and over again, lifetime after lifetime. Maybe that was how we all planned it, long before we picked our incarnations.  

On the Importance of Reflection: 

If you miss the present moment, you miss your appointment with life.
— Thich Nhat Hanh

One of the newer habits I have gained is going to the Buddhist temple every Saturday with my wife to help prepare vegetables for Sunday’s lunch. The temple serves a free lunch to anyone who comes in on Sunday. Our job, as we often say, is to “cut carrots.”

There is a famous Zen saying that goes: Zen isn’t thinking about God while cutting carrots. Zen IS cutting carrots. 

While cutting carrots, we also reflect. 

I think one characteristic of turning 58 is that everything slows down. Life goes into a kind of slow-mo, and it gives me more time to think. To think about, to think back, and maybe even think ahead. And I try my best to put it down here so that I can revisit and remember. 

On Gratitude: 

Keep your face always toward the sunshine,
and shadows will fall behind you.
— Walt Whitman

And finally, I am, these days, more grateful.

I think it comes rather naturally when you reach a certain age. It results from having all these things to look back upon, and in the greater scheme of things, most are usually good. Even the bad stuff somehow seems less bad in hindsight. 

My father spent his last days saying the rosary for all the people he knew, especially those who went before him. He spoke of his vivid dreams of meeting those who wronged him, and betrayed him, and how he felt so sorry for them. Before he died, he said a rosary for each of them, every day. 

Gratitude comes from a sense of contentment. That, after all, it is good to be alive, if even for a single day. I appreciate what I have now, and do not miss the opportunities that passed me when I was younger. It is all and everything that brought me to where I am right now. And I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

Going forward

I know this is sounding like a last testimony, but it is just a reflection of the things going through my head these past few weeks. I do not think things will change significantly from now. I hope not. I will keep working on myself, trying to do a little better each day.

I would also like to thank you, if you have read all the way here. This is a long article. I wanted to share the things in my head with this blog, and if God is willing, continue to share in the decades to come. I will end with another phrase that I come across recently from the Romance of the Three Kingdoms:

This phrase (yī yī dōng wàng) can be translated as “looking longingly to the east.” 

The repetition of “依依” (yī yī) suggests a quiet feeling of anticipation, but with a powerful emotion. A sense of nostalgia and longing. In Chinese literature, the east symbolises hope, new beginnings, and the dawn. And looking to the east represents a yearning for or returning to something cherished. For me, “依依东望” is a yearning for the past. An unwillingness to let go.

That’s the sentiment that I experience now. I hope I still have more than a couple of decades to go. I look forward to meeting my grandchildren and being silly spoiling them in the years ahead. I want to travel to China, and visit my ancestral home. Find my roots. Connect again with the past.

I look forward to turning 98.

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